Cullens On Jerry Springer
by ShanteRenee
Summary: Have you ever thought about it? The Cullens are a pretty mixed up family! From Best friends sleeping with your child to werewolves and vampires! Yes, you heard it right, folks, this is a Jerry Springer EXCLUSIVE! We have tons of new episodes this season!
1. I don't love my girlfriend

****ON AIR** **

**This show was brought to you in part by _ISABELLCLAIR. _She kinda inspired this "show". =]**

**Episode one: 'I don't love my girlfriend anymore'  
**

**Stephanie Meyer: **I own everything. I run the show. =P

**Shante:** Hey everyone. My name's Shante, and I'm the producer of the newest tv series, 'The Cullens on Jerry Springer'! Please be advised: This show may not be suitable for the younger viewers. Parental advisory is suggested.

**Jerry Springer:** Welcome! On Today's episode, it is going to be interesting. A few weeks ago, I got a phone call from a very disgruntled young man. He claims that he's been lying to his girlfriend about 8 months. He wants to come clean now. Let's bring him out. Come on out, Mike!

_[Mike Newton walks on stage]_

**Crowd:** Booooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Mike:** Erm. Hi.

**Jerry:** Mike, now, why don't you tell us what's going on here exactly.

**Mike:** Well…my girlfriend, Jessica…she's not the one for me.

**Crowd:** *gasp*

**Jerry:** What do you mean? Don't you love her?

**Mike:** No! I'm in love with…

**Crowd:** *on the edge of their seats*

**Jerry:** With?

**Mike: **_[shouting like a mad man]_ Isabella Swan!

**Crowd:** *EE GASP!*

_[Jessica Stanley runs onto stage]_

**Jessica: **I KNEW it!! YOU CREEP! *Slaps him*

**Mike: **I'm not sorry, ethier! You'll never be as…amazing as Bella!

_[Edward Cullen is suddenly on stage]_

**Jerry:** Who is _this _guy? Security!

**Crowd:** Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

**Shante:** Why does the crowd always call his name out? I don't get it….

**Edward:** You will be sorry!

**Mike:** I'm not afraid of you, Edward Cullen! Isabella wants ME. She's always wanted me!

**Jessica:** *Slaps him again, as security comes up and grabs her.* WTF is *bleep*ing wrong with you, you *bleep* *bleep*hole!!? Can't you see Edward is, like, a gazillion times more amazing than YOU!

**Mike:** Wait, what?

**Edward:** _[Stops glaring at Mike, and stares at Jessica]_ What?

**Jessica:** Opps. *Stops struggling with security, and runs off stage*

**Jerry:** Erm…we will be right back after these commercials!

****Off Air****

**I'm having alot of fun writing this. This is just going to be a way to get out of my writers blocks that i have. I will probably be posting new skits like every week. I have a ton of them in my head! I hope you guys like this. I KNOW its kinda corny, but hey, I enjoy writing it! As stated above, Smeyer owns everything! Each 'SKIT' will pick up where the last one left off, when the commercials are done. haha!**


	2. Amazingist Bella

**Episode 2: Amazingist Bella**

****Off Air****

**Shante:** Erm, sorry about that. We were…uh, experiencing technical difficulties? Anyways, we're back! But we have made a change in our sponsors. On our commercials, we will be interviewing special cast members from other popular stories, so stay tuned. First interview coming up will be with Cynthia from _Tourtued Souls _written by me! Next episode's interview will be with Bella, Jacob, and Nessie from _Restless Heart _by Isabellclair!

****On Air****

**Stephanie Meyer:** Edward is amazing, isn't he? *glares at you* He's mine. *Smiles sweetly* Don't forget that!

**Jerry Springer:** Welcome back, folks! Sorry about that—it seems there's a lot more going on than we knew. Now that everyone is a bit more calm, let's see if we can get down to the bottom of this. Come back on out, everyone!

_[Everyone walks out. Edward is glaring at Mike, Mike is dodging everyone's eyes, and Jessica looks annoyed.]_

**Jerry:** So, Jessica, how do you feel?

**Jessica:** So stupid! I can't believe I liked this jerk!

**Jerry:** Hm, I see.

**Jessica:** I don't think I'll every survive this! I don't deserve this! I'm so heartbroken, so—so—

_[Phone rings and Jessica answers it.] _Hello? Oh, Hey Lauren! OMG I know! Really? You can see me on TV, right now? Wow! Hey—

_[Covers the phone with her hands, and whispers to Jerry]_

I thought you said this wasn't a live show? I thought this going to be a recording?!

**Shante:** Um…yea…about that… _[Laughs nervously]_ ha…ha…

**Jessica:** OMG! _[Pushes shirt down, and exposes more cleavage.]_ How this, Lauren? Yea, I know this shirt is so cute! I got it in…_ [walks off stage chattering away]_

**Shante:** Whose idea was it to cast her again?

**Jerry:** Anyways! Mike, and…Edward, was it? Who is this Isabella Swan?

**Edward:** *Gets googly eyed* Only the most amazingist person in the world! She's the reason for me to live…well, technically.

**Jerry:** Technically?

**Edward:** *Blinks* Erm…yes. Uh…moving on. She's just so incredible I can't be without her! I don't know what I'd do without her, she's just—

**Mike:** Mine.

**Edward:** *narrows eyes*

**Mike:** I think it's time you knew something, Edward. *smiles deviously*

**Edward:** *growls*

**Crowd:** Fight! Fight! Fight!

**Jerry: **Well, isn't this a coincidence! _I _have a surprise _you _guys as well.

**Edward:** What!?!

**Mike:** What!?!

**Jerry:** Come on out Bella!

_[Bella Swan walks out, with Eric Yorkie, their arms are interlocked together.]_

**Jerry:** Who is _he? _Doesn't anyone follow the *bleeping* script!?

**Shante:** *sighs* Guess not. Well, here goes my job. _[Goes off to pack up her office.]_

**Eric: ***turns to Bella, and pats her hand.* Don't worry about this, I got your back baby.

**Jerry:** _[annoyed]_ Commercial! Now!

****Commercial****

_This episode of Jerry Springer is brought to you in part by 'Tortured Souls', a story about Cynthia Brandon, who is the little sister of Mary 'Alice' Cullen. Cynthia must save her sister, from...well, read the story! Here's a short interview with Cynthia. _

**Shante:** Hi Cynthia!

**Cynthia:** It's Cindy.

**Shante:** Right.

**Cynthia:** Yea.

**Shante:** So, can you tell us a bit about your character's role on Tortured Souls?

**Cynthia:** Um…shouldn't you know? You wrote it.

**Shante:** *Eye twitches slightly, plasters fake—deadly—smile on her face* Answer. The. Question. Please!

**Cynthia:** *smirks* Yo no habla ingles, lo siento.

**Shante:** *BLEEP* I MADE YOU! You DO!

**Stephenie Meyer:** Ahem.

**Shante:** *Rolls Eyes* [Grumbles] You knew what I meant.

**Cynthia:** Lo siento…tu eres muy comica!

**Shante:** *Narrows eyes*

_[Camera men zoom in closer, for a better look]_

**Shante:** Get that *bleep* camera outta my face!

**We are currently experiencing technical difficulties…we will be back momentarily.**

****Off Air****

Shante: Tu no habla Inglés? ¿Cómo sabes español?

Cynthia: *Eyes widen with shock, as realization hits* Uh oh.

****On Air****

**Shante:** Sorry, folks. Again. Can you tell I'm new at this job? =) The interview will have to continue another time, when Cindy is able to speak again. *smiles sweetly*

_We now return you to your regular broadcasted show._

_

* * *

_**Make sure you stick around for the 're-interview' with Cindy. She will be giing out some major hints/clues about what's going to be happening on Tourtured Souls. If you havent checked it out, you should. =] or else it won't make sense. And here's the spanish translations:**

**-I'm sorry, I don't speak enlish.**

**-I'm sorry....you are very funny!**

**-You don't speak english? How do you now spanish?**

**REVIEW!**_  
_


	3. Bella wants it all

Episode 3: Bella wants it all

****Off Air****

**Stephanie Meyer owns everything… **

****On Air****

**Jerry Springer:** *Glares at Eric* Who are you? Actually, don't answer that. _[Turns to Bella]_ Just how many guys are you seeing?

**Bella:** Well—

**Edward:** She's only seeing—

**Mike:** —Me.

**Bella:** Well, I like you all, but—

**Crowd:** *Gasp*

**Bella:** —I'm meant to be with Edward.

**Edward:** Booya!

**Shante:** 'Booya'? Really?

**Mike:** WTF! Bella, I thought we had something?

**Bella:** Eh, not so much. _[Shrugs]_

**Mike:** _[Walks off stage in a daze. Bella smiles, happy to cause his misery.]_

**Eric:** So, what about me?

**Bella:** Don't make me choose…because it will always be him.

**Eric:** Oh.

**Edward:** *Smiles smugly*

**Eric:** Ok! No worries! _[Shrugs, and begins walking off stage whistling happily.]_

**Bella:** _[In a sudden rage]_ Wait!

**Eric:** _[Turning]_ What?

**Bella:** You…don't…want me?

**Eric:** _[Confused] _You like Edward…?

**Edward:** Yea, hellllllllloooooo! _[Waving arms wildly in the air.]_

**Bella:** _[pouting]_ Yes! I do! But—but—you're supposed to be crazy about me!

**Eric:** I am?

**Bella:** _[Stomps foot and folds her arm.]_

_[A voice is heard, before the person is seen]: _Wow, did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought they only did that on TV_._

_[Everyone turns to see Jacob Black walk on stage, grinning.]_

**Crowd:** OoOoOo

**Bella:** Jake!

**Jacob:** Oh—wait, we _are _on TV.

**Jerry:** WTF! *Throws papers up into the air.*

**Edward:** Jacob Black, leave!

**Bella:** No!

**Edward:** No?

**Jacob:** Ha.

**Edward:** Bella—he's not safe.

_[There is a sudden swooshing noise, and then a scream from backstage. James voice can be heard.]_

**James:** Neither am I!

**Bella:** Oh no! Jake, run!

**Jacob:** No! He better _not _get me upset.

**Edward:** Bella! You're in mortal danger! I'll die without you!

**James:** _[Whispering]_ Avenge her, avenger her.

**Edward:** I'll kill you instead!

**Shante:** Kill? Wait, that's not in the contract…

**Jacob:** _[Starts shaking]_

**Bella:** Jake, are you okay? Edward—change me! I can help!

**Crowd:** ...

**Jerry:** I quit! _[Walks off stage shaking his head.]_

_[Edward darts backstage, and fighting between him and James can be heard. Mike comes outside suddenly—looking very green.]_

**Mike:** Bella—I need to go home.

**Jacob:** *Glares at Mike*

**Eric:** Er—I'll take you. Come on.

_[They walk off stage.]_

**Jacob:** HA! _[Laughs hysterically.]_ You should hold out for someone with a stronger stomach.

**Mike:** _[From backstage]_ I heard that! It's just a stomach flu, you jerk!

**Jacob:** _[Stops laughing suddenly, and glares at Bella.]_

**Bella:** What's wrong?_ [Goes to touch his face, but jerks back suddenly.] _Ow! You're hot, Jake!

**Jacob:** *Glaring* I'm sick, like Mike. I have to leave now. _[Begins to walk off.]_

**Bella:** Wait! Don't—go—please!

_[Jerry comes back out.]_

**Jerry:** Okay, okay everyone, calm down, we need to get things under control. This is my show and—

**Jacob:** You can't control bloodsuckers you crazy old man!!!_ [Storms offstage. Mike can be heard vomiting in background. Jessica Stanley screams, as it gets all on her new shirt.]_

_[Bella curls into a ball. Jerry stands there dumbfounded.]_

**Jerry:** Um…break?

**Commercial**

_This episode of Jerry Springer is brought to you in part by 'Restless Heart' By IsabellClair. Restless Heart is the sequel to 'Forever Young'. It tells the story of Jacob and Renesmee, Bella and Edward, and the rest of the Cullens after Breaking Dawn. Here is an exclusive interview with Bella, Edward, and Jacob. They have just finished doing Chapter 56. This interview also includes IsabellClair, known as Izzy to her fans._

**Shante:** Hey Izzy!

**Izzy: **Hi Shante!

**Shante: **Ok, I'm going to try and keep it focused. Can you tell us—for those who are crazy enough to have not of read your last chapter—what happened in chapter 56 of Restless Heart? Give us a short overview?

**Izzy: **Well Jacob took Renesmee home so she could get some rest, and be away from Derek who is in the process of changing and with Edward's permission Jacob asked Renesmee to marry him and they make love for the first time. Edward is calm about it all, but Bella is having a much harder time accepting it.

**Shante:** Oh, wow. Well—I've already read it, of course, hehe—but for those who haven't, Derek _was _Nessie's human best friend. Just so everyone knows.

**Izzy:** Right.

**Shante:** Well, without further ado—let's bring them out!

_[Edward, Bella, and Jacob walk on stage. Edward tries to hold Bella, but she jerks away, and moodily stomps in, and takes Jacob's seat and moves it—with weird superhuman-like speed—to the other side of the room. Jake rolls his eyes. Edward shakes his head.]_

**Jacob:** Let's not act like children._ [Goes to bring chair back, and places it next to Izzy, instead of Bella, who is shooting daggers at him.]_

**Bella:** _[Muttering darkly]_ Maybe if you wouldn't try to _do _children.

**Edward:** _[Slightly annoyed, glances between Jacob and Bella.] _Now come on, let's be simple about this.

_[Bella and Jacob glare at each other. Shante clears her throat awkwardly.]_

**Shante:** Er…okay! So, Bella, I take it you don't agree with the decisions Jake has made?

**Izzy:** Ha! That's a bit of an understatement.

**Bella: **Yeah, what Izzy said. [_growls in Jacob's direction_] Just wait, you have it coming to you next chapter. I'm going to give you a piece of my mind.

**Izzy:** Well, Bella, it's not going to be that bad.  
**Bella:** [_rolls eyes_] I know, you left some things out that I really wanted to say.  
**Izzy:** I need to keep this story at a PG13 level.

_[Jakes eyes suddenly glint with an idea, and he grins. Edward's eyes flash to him.]_

**Edward:** Jacob, don't.

**Jacob:** What? It's not like she's going to do anything, anyways.

**Bella:** *Narrows eyes*

**Jacob:** This is _not _a PG-13 commercial is it, Shante?

**Shante:** Erm, no, but—

**Jacob:** Exactly, so, Bella, give me your best shot.

**Bella:** _[In a deathly whisper]_ Do _not _tempt me, Jacob.

**Edward:** [_smiles through gritted teeth at the camera_] Er, Bella, there are people watching this.  
**Izzy: **I thought the four of us talked about this! We were going to talk rationally!

**Bella:** Yeah, well, let's see you talk rationally when Jacob sleeps with your daughter.  
**Izzy: **[_mumbles under her breath_] I wish it was me... [_shifts uncomfortably as everyone stares_]

**Shante:** Er…okay! Well, we're almost out of time. But before we go, Izzy, can you give us any details to look forward to? In the upcoming chapters?

**Izzy: **Well we have a lot coming up with Derek waking up, but also looking forward to Renesmee's high school graduation, and exactly how Jacob's going to get a ring on Renesmee's finger— [_Jacob jumps behind Izzy's chair to cover her mouth_]  
**Jacob: **You promised you wouldn't say anything about that!

**Bella:** [_Growls at Jacob]_

**Edward: **Er, Shante, I think we should end this, before things get ugly.

**Shante**: Good idea. Well, this concludes our interview, check back frequently to find out when next the cast from Restless Heart will be stopping by! Also, the Next chapter of Restless Heart will be out Tuesday! So don't miss it!

_We now return you to your regularly broadcasted show._

_

* * *

_**K i hope everyone liked it! That really was ISABELLCLAIR being interviewed, and those are her characters from her fanfic 'Restless Heart'. Please PM me if you have any ideas for the skit! I hope you this! I know quotes are being used in all the wrong places, but this is a parody, thats the point. =P Review, please!  
**


	4. Mike goes both ways

Okay so this story is NOT supposed to follow any pattern or anything. It's just a story I update whenever I feel like to get my creative juices flowingg. This chapter was thought up with the help of Leizu. She's on my 'favorite author's list. Make sure to check out her story!

* * *

**Episode 4: Mike goes both ways.**

_[Mike walks back on stage, looking better. Tilts his head to the side as he stares down at Bella, wrapped up in a ball.]_

**Mike: **Hey, where's Jake?

_[Bella doesn't respond, but keeps rocking back and forth. Jerry Springer is attempting to smile at the camera but his eyebrows and lips are twitching uncontrollably.] _

**Jerry: **Er, Shante, is she okay?

**Shante: **Yea, she does this whenever Edward's more than 10 feet away from her.

**Jerry: **Ok…?

**Mike: **Where's Jake?

**Jerry:** Why do you want to know? He hates you.

**Mike:** Well…

**Jerry:** …

**Mike:** You see…

**Jerry:** Well, what?

**Mike:** Jake…and I are meant to be together.

**Crowd:** WTF!

**Shante:** Wait, he's gay?

_[Eric runs on stage, jabbing a finger at Mike.]_

**Eric:** Aha! I knew it! All those times we went to the movies and your hands were brushing against mine!

**Mike:** Dude, you're not the one for me.

**Eric:** WTF!

_[Bella gets up suddenly, eyes wild and looks crazy.]_

**Bella:** WAIT! STOP!

**Everyone:** ….

_[Bella glares up at Mike]_

**Bella:** NO LOVE TRIANGLES UNLESS I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF IT!

**Jerry:** My career is over.

**Crowd:** Fight! Fight! Fight!

**Mike:** I'm sorry Bella. I'm sorry for what they did to you. Just know that I'd never hurt you.

**Bella:** What?

**Mike:** I thought you were my true love, but your not, and so we can't be friends anymore.

**Bella:** What?

**Mike:** I'm not…good. I use to be a good kid once, but not anymore.

**Bella:** Because your gay?

**Mike:** No…its…

_[Sam walks on stage] _

**Sam:** That's enough!

**Mike:** You!

**Jerry:** Are you kidding me right now? Why the hell do we even have security!

**Sam:** You are violating the treaty!

**Mike:** I didn't say anything!

**Sam:** Your about to give away tribal secrets! AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN THE TRIBE!

**Mike:** Well, tell your pups not to post them on facebook!

**Sam:** I took away their posting rights.

**Mike:** [snorts] Like that's going to help. I posted a bulliten on myspace too!

**Sam:** What!

**Mike:** They deserve to know.

**Bella:** Know what?

**Mike:** About the fact that Jake will love me too.

**Bella:** —W hat?

**Mike:** Yep! He's in love with me, he just doesn't know it yet! I'm waiting.

**Bella:** For what?

**Mike:** For him to—

**Sam:** **THAT'S ENOUGH. [alpha order]**

**Mike: **Your alpha order crap doesn't work on me. I'm white.

_[Sam starts shaking]_

**Mike:** Anyways, I'm waiting for Jacob to imprint on me.

**Bella:** ….?

_[Edward runs on stage suddenly.]_

**Edward:** Hey Bella…come—come take a walk with me…

**Bella:** Ok!

_[They walk off stage. Bella looks nervous. Everyone else stands there looking stupid.]_

**Jerry:** Shante?

**Shante:** Go to a commercial break, I guess.


End file.
